Time for Goodbyes - for now.

The Layers of Goodbye.

Goodbye Evanston - How quirky you are.

Goodbye Howard - Please work on supporting yourself. Please be safe and no more trauma.

Goodbye HACC - You taught me so much. I am forever grateful.

Goodbye Rogers Park /West Ridge community - There is beauty in the richness of your diversity.

Goodbye biting cold - I will not miss the pain you caused me in my hands.

Goodbye to all the snow - You are beautiful but challenging. 

Goodbye local food pantries - Thank you for introducing me to so many people from all walks of life. 

Goodbye the lake and the beach - I love you in the summertime. 

Goodbye March mud- I won't miss you. 

Goodbye CTA - You smell bad, but you are convenient. 

Goodbye friends - I will miss you incredibly. 

Goodbye Lincoln - L's formative years. 

Goodbye Amli - The start of our Chicago journey. 

Goodbye Hinman and Vera MeGowan - So many memories.

Goodbye the intense relationship - For now, as I know it's not forever. 

Goodbye 5 years of memories - You evoke all the emotions in me. 

Goodbye for now. Time to build on the past in order to embrace future adventures. 

Just a Glimpse into the World of Parenting and Adoption.

If someone would have asked me before I became a parent, what kind of parent I would be, I'm not sure how I would have answered. A loving, kind, caring, thoughtful parent?  Probably something like that. I don't think I even knew all the different parenting styles, such as helicopter parent, permissive parent, authoritative parent... and whatever else exists. 

Ask me now, and I know what type of parent I aspire to be, but getting there on a daily basis is an uphill battle. 

I see parenting moments all the time with other families around us. I see families at the park, parents at the school, single moms, parents from different countries, homeless moms, rich moms, poor moms, busy moms, stressed moms, stressed dads. Everything.

And of course I can't help but have my own thoughts and opinions about what's going on in those moments. Before I became a parent I don't think I thought too much about these moments. I don't think I ever thought about how I would parent, how I would react in those moments, what I would do if I were in those parents' shoes. Now I think about it a lot. Making the best parenting decisions over and over again every day is next to impossible, if not impossible. Being a perfect parent is impossible. 

I can't begin to count how many parenting failures I have made. So many. And at first I thought, well that's just me. I'm not good at this parenting thing. But I'm slowly slowly beginning to realise I'm going to make mistakes and I'm never going to be perfect. I just have to keep trying every day to be the best parent I can be in that moment. 

I still look at other parents and think that they are much 'better' at parenting than me. I have thought things like - they have a stronger bond with their child, they know their child better than I do, they have more experience, they have a 'natural' parenting demeanor - and any of these may or may not be true, but I've finally, eventually, learned that I am doing the best I can with all the skills I have. I may have to go back and fix some things later, but it's going to be ok. 

I have read parenting books, books on foster care, books on adoption, and I have listened to many many podcasts. But this doesn't make me a great parent. This makes me a parent who is interested in learning more, and willing to learn. Of course this helps me gain knowledge and understanding and helps me move in the direction of what kind of parent I strive to be (the kind which works well for me and my child), but it absolutely does not mean I will attain this in any given moment. Or even ever. 

My parenting mistakes lay heavy on my heart and on my mind, and lead to constant feelings of guilt. 

Guilt for shouting. Guilt for setting a boundary. Guilt for changing the rules. Guilt for using harsh words. Guilt for not controlling myself. Guilt for making my child cry. Guilt for getting frustrated. Guilt for not holding it together. Guilt for saying no. 

These are just some examples; there are many more. Guilt is there when I go to sleep at night, and there again when I wake up. It's there throughout the day, in the back of my mind. Guilt that could easily turn into shame if I let it.

I spend time thinking through the damage done and how to fix things. I try to think of how I can do better next time. However, the hardest part is putting this into action. Making changes is the hardest part because we have to re-evaluate our whole selves and modify something which is often embedded within us, deeper than we are aware. Parenting is passed down through generations, and we are often dealing with histories that we cannot even put into words. 

Accessing this can be a long (sometimes even painful) journey. Connecting with other parents in parenting groups or parenting classes can be intimidating and overwhelming often due to feelings of guilt and shame. Building relationships with other parents is a formidable challenge due to, well, life. We all have different personalities, schedules, needs, attitudes and opinions. Finding connection under these circumstances is tough. The lonely parent is real. The insecure parent is real. The guilt-filled parent is real. The lost parent is real. The disconnected parent is real. The despair-filled parent is real. But they are often hidden from view. 

The morning was going quite well, considering I am not usually the one who is in charge of getting little one ready for camp and on his way out the door in the morning. We were gathering ourselves together to soon get out the house, and I had to once again clean up the water mess from our dog's messy drinking. I was getting frustrated.

Then, just as we are close to walking out the door, boy notices his bag is wet and his water bottle has leaked. I blame him by harshly saying his name - like it's all his fault. It's obviously an accident. 

Now he's upset and mad at me. 

I clean up the mess, get him a different but smaller bag. I organize and arrange everything in the bag. He starts to pull out the shoes. Why? Why? It's all done and neat! I've done it all! All he has to do is walk out the door! I'm even more frustrated, and he hates me more. 

I somewhat coerce him along to the train, but he's not happy with me. 

When we had sat down on the train I said I'm sorry that I blamed the water spill on him, when it was obviously an accident. He didn't really say anything, but I think he was a little less mad at me.

In that moment, I hadn't erased what had just happened, but maybe I showed him that nobody is perfect all the time, and it's important to make amends when you can. 

He struggled at camp that day because he was over-tired, and I had to go and pick him up early. He felt he was becoming 'that kid' who is always getting into trouble. He could have made amends and tried harder. But, he wasn't in a good place to do that. Sometimes we just aren't in a good place to try to make things right. But our kids need to see us adults making things right, and need to know that it's the right thing to do.

Nobody is perfect and we can't always keep it all together. But if we are judged solely on our bad days then we are never going to move forward. 

I have definitely felt like the lonely parent, the insecure parent, the guilt-filled parent, the lost parent, the disconnected parent and the despair-filled parent. And I am sure there are many other parents out there who have also felt the same way at some point.

I really hope for a community and a society where parents can really connect with other parents and not feel judged for their actions. Truly not feel judged. Where their shame is washed away by connection, acknowledgement and acceptance. Where we reach out to others to show love and support. 

But, it will take strength and vulnerability. We will need to show the unpleasant side of ourselves, and hope for empathy and understanding in return.

Eight Years Later.

Eight years later and life has changed. 

Reading my old blog posts brings back so many memories, and I nearly shed a tear. Memories I had nearly forgotten about, and lifestyles which seem to be from another lifetime. 

Life continued on, and it slowly changed me. As life does.

Of course, many things have happened since 2014. Some of which include: 

Moving to Illinois

Becoming licensed foster parents

Adopting our little boy

Parenting!

Working with seniors

Working with adults with disabilities 

Working (a lot!) with refugees and immigrants

Volunteering with multiple organizations

Personal trainer and group fitness certifications

Working in personal training at the YMCA

Teaching Tabata and SilverSneakers at the YMCA

Many emotional rollercoasters, many learning curves and a lot of life experience. 

Since moving to Illinois, I have had the opportunity to learn about life from many different perspectives.  This is something which has interested me for long time. I enjoy connecting with all different types of people, from all walks of life, all in different situations, with different backgrounds, at different stages of life, all with different skills and knowledge and experience. This has allowed me to have a much broader outlook on life, and on our world. It has also overwhelmed me. However, connecting and developing relationships this way with others has had an enormous impact on me and on my life. 

I think that right now, as we begin to navigate possible future changes, I am at a point where I think rekindling this space will be an opportunity to share some (buried) reflections on what comes our way over the years  - with the ultimate goal of connection, compassion, understanding and acceptance. 

Give a special gift this Christmas

The festive season is here again after one of the quickest years ever. The months flew by before I even got the chance to get to know any of them. And now here we are once again scrambling to prepare for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year before it rushes past us leaving us with the start of yet another year. 

I've always had mixed feelings about Christmas. I love the family gatherings, the festive spirit and the loving and giving of the season. Yet I despise how commercialized and consumer oriented it has become. It overwhelms me to the point that I want nothing to do with it and just want to hibernate until the new year. It has become yet another stress in our lives, which is far from the real 'reason for the season'. 

This year, please give to charity. Any charity. Your choice. Give a little. Give a lot. Give whatever you want. Just don't give to me. I have more than I could ever wish for and I know some other person somewhere is in much more need of some Chrtistmas spirit than me. 

If you see Santa on his sleigh, remind him to make a special drop off at all those amazing charities out there that need some extra support over the festive season! :)

In Marathon Training!

The person who starts the race 26.2 is not the same person who finishes the race. 

I've committed myself to something too many people think is absurd and I'm scared I'm going to fail. I'm worried my hip flexor will scream at me and my feet will blister until the skin is raw. I have images of tripping and being trampled on by all the warriors storming up from behind me. All that could go wrong just might go wrong. To say I'm a little nervous is putting it mildly.

I signed up while ago thinking I have more than enough time to prepare myself. But then somehow the months rushed on by leaving me behind with only a three and a half months left to train and still about 16 miles left to cover. Even the thought scares and exhausts me. Yet, I'm an addict. 

Yes, it's tough and exhausting. But it is such a unique and satisfying feeling when you know you have given everything you have and there is nothing left. It's time to refuel and recover so next time you can hit it harder. 

There was a time when I hardly ever ran. Granted, I enjoyed it in my school days, but then as time passed and I entered my 20's I had a whole life to explore and running just wasn't part of that. Of course as time goes by we worry about our health and fitness and once again I started running again now and then. I remember my first 5k, and feeling pretty chuffed with myself. Now, I run a 5k on my easy days. My first half marathon followed not long after and I remember feeling absolutely devoid of energy at the end. I felt fantastic yet empty at the same time. Since then I have learned lots about training which should serve me well now as I add on the miles. Many miles. 

What goes through a runner's mind during those long miles? That's always a great question. For me it is me time. It's my own therapy. Time for me to enter my own world, put things into perspective, focus and push myself. Music is my companion and keeps my spirits lifted when I start to flounder.






So why take on the challenge? Well, why not? In the past I've often completed my smaller races with the goal of raising money for charity, but this time I'm just doing it for me. I'm doing it to reach a goal I have always dreamed of reaching. I have watched several marathons both on TV and in the streets and always hoped I would be one of them. To experience the joy of making it to the finish line. To become strong enough to make it to the finish line.  

For me to reach this goal takes dedication, organization, planning and sacrifice. I need to train nearly every day. Not just by running, but by including cross training and stretching into my routine. I plan my day to include my workout but sometimes it's a tight squeeze after a full day of work. At the end of the day I'm tired but I have to recover well as I have to do something similar the next day. 

So far I've remained relatively injury free, with nothing major holding me back. My knees and hip flexors are sometimes sore which calls for some nice long stretches and some easy runs to reduce the impact a little. I know when I've had a good run because I will come home and my legs will need several long, tension-relieving stretches. But after a little tlc they all seem to recover pretty well. 

As far as nutrition, I'm not following one specific plan, more like following general guidelines for healthy eating and nutrition for 'runners' (yes, I think I can now say I'm a 'runner'). Being a vegetarian/nearly vegan it's important to make sure I get some protein in my meals each day, which is especially important after my workouts. I'm not following exact measurements as I don't have the time or the patience for that, but I'm just being conscious about including it in my diet. Getting enough carbohydrates is more than easy as I love this food group! Sometimes I hardly have much time to whip together a meal, so the easier the better, but it also needs to be healthy and nutrient dense and junk free. I have several simple meals I rotate through, but I'm always looking out for new ideas to be thrown my way. I know there are lots of ideas out there, it's just a case of planning and having all the ingredients ready to go. 

One problem with all this running is squeezing in any other plans into your day. There is not much time left in the day after a full day of work followed by my run/workout. And the weekends aren't much different as that's when I have time for a long run, so my day quickly becomes filled up. Then when someone comes along and invites me to something, I flinch a little as I know I'm going to have to miss one or the other. And that's annoying. If you work out on a regular basis, missing a workout feels weird. It feels like I forgot something essential such as taking a shower or brushing my teeth. 

I really have to start adding up my miles in the next few weeks, and it's a little hard as it is Texas summer and blistering hot outside. I have to go as early as possible in order to pack in the miles before the sun starts to belt down. Running in the sun really seeps out all your energy, even with on the go energy supplements. I can't say I haven't asked myself "why on earth am I doing this?!" a few times. Then I remind myself it's one of my goals and I'll just have to deal with it until I complete it.

Well, all I can do is keep running and pushing just a little more all the time, and hopefully I remain strong all they way through until December, when the big day arrives. 
Just a little nervous. Only a little.... 


..... P.S. I'm now up to 18 miles. It was a relatively cool morning in Dallas... a fine morning for some running. I've never ran 18 miles before and I can tell you the last couple of miles were tough. My feet and hip flexors are now sore. 8 more to go. Oh my gosh.

Going .... more or less ... vegan :)

It's been a long time coming. I have thought about it many times, and always considered it to be too difficult to achieve, so I've always decided not to try it out. But now, I really think it to is achievable, and I can do it, so I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going ... more or less ... vegan.

Of course I've always known many great reasons for turning vegan, as we all do. We all know fruits and veggies are good for us, and we all know the benefits of a healthy diet. What many of use don't know  - or even try to ignore -  are the facts and figures which prove this. I recently watched the documentary 'Forks Over Knives' which is all about the benefits of a plant based diet. Of course, there are several documentaries on very similar topics, but what interested me about this particular documentary was the facts and figures, and all the evidence that was put forward supporting a plant based diet. And of course, the healthy and active individuals who are living proof of its success. I encourage everyone to at least watch the documentary to see for themselves.
http://www.forksoverknives.com/
There are some points from the documentary which I want to mention. First is the link the documentary makes between animal products and cholesterol. All animal products, including dairy, contain a high level of cholesterol, which clogs arteries. What if we took out meat and dairy from our diet? Of course, our cholesterol level would more than likely lower. This would probably lead to a reduction in Coronary Artery Disease (and may other diseases) which is the biggest killer in the US.
Would we become deficient in any other important nutrients? Well, vitamin B12. However, generally people don't need a lot, and it can be taken as a supplement, and can be found in other foods such as fortified foods and nutritional yeast (which you may not have heard of....so go read about!) Then there is Iron, which can also be found in vegetables, cereals, legumes, and whole grains. So, no animal products needed. Vitamin D can also be found in fortified soymilk and cereals, and of course, the sun. Protein is a big topic for debate. We all need protein, but it doesn't have to come from animal sources. Legumes, avocado, soy, seitan, tempeh, quinoa and nuts are all possible sources. I personally think we need to get away from the idea that we need animal products in our diet to live a healthy life. It's just not true. We just believe it because it is what we have been brainwashed to believe. But what about calcium? Milk is renowned for its calcium content, but once again, we often fail to realize that calcium can come from other non animal sources, such as green leafy veggies, soy milk, almond milk, tempeh, and more.
http://www.vegansociety.com/lifestyle/nutrition/
One other topic which the documentary mentioned what about protein and acidity in the blood. Basically, too much protein can increase the acidity in a person's blood, and to compensate, the body uses its calcium stores to neutralize it, taking it from bones, which leads to weak bones and osteoporosis. When researching this topic, I found a lot of discussion and debate surrounding this idea, however, I think it is definitely a solid reason to reduce animal protein sources in our diet, especially in older people, who may be more at risk of weak bones.
One other reason to go vegan is the impact that raising animals for food has on the environment.
A vegan diet would decrease pollution, global warming, rainforest destruction and save water. We don't even realize it, but eating meat is destroying our planet.
http://www.chooseveg.com/environment
However, most of us would choose to ignore this fact when faced with the temptations of meat and dairy products on a daily basis.
Of course, the meat and dairy production industry is filled with disturbing facts and statistics about how animals are treated in order to feed us humans. Animals on top of one another fighting for space, cows artificially inseminated and kept pregnant to produce more milk, animals fattened before being slaughtered... We all know about it, many choose to ignore it, and others are ok with it. Some hate it but still cave in to the hamburger. But, animal cruelty doesn't have to be part of our food process. We can opt for a plant based diet, and stop the cruelty.
http://www.peta.org/issues/Animals-Used-For-Food/default.aspx
I've been surviving without meat for years now, that's not an issue. But, how do we survive without the delights of ice-cream? Or yogurt, and milk, and cheese...? Well, that's been my question for a long time. Finally, I have the answer. It was so obvious I didn't (or refused to) notice it. I realized that we really are controlled by what is presented before us. Big companies, advertising, and supermarkets promote what they think we would enjoy, and what they think is 'normal' to consume. Do we have to be brainwashed like this? Fortunately, now the plant based food approach is becoming more and more popular, and people are making educated health based choices, rather than being manipulated by the food industry. We can live without dairy, we just have to explore new options, and find new recipes, based on a plant based diet. We must learn to pull away from our old habits, and open our eyes to options which are natural, healthy, as well as delicious. We must do our own research, educate ourselves, and make informed choices about which foods we decide are best to nourish our own bodies.
So why 'more or less' vegan? Why not fully vegan? Well, of course it is possible, for everyone. And I will try. However, unfortunately we do not live in a vegan world, and I would on occasion put myself in a no-option (or very limited option) situation. Of course, I can deal with it. I'm used to it living in a meat eaters world. And the reason why I would cheat on dairy and never on meat is because of my values. I am a vegetarian. I am a near vegan. Cheating on meat would disgust me, whereas cheating on dairy on occasion would be manageable. Maybe that will change in the future. Who knows.
If going completely vegetarian or vegan seems an impossibility to you, it's always possible to take baby steps. Meatless Mondays, or only eating dairy/meat on weekends is a great place to start. Experimentation is key. Try new dishes without meat or dairy and see how they go. It's not impossible, and it's not a lot of work. It's just about habit. It's about educating yourself and making informed choices. Whatever you decide, do it out of compassion and love for your own healthy body.

Also, check out these links:
http://engine2diet.com/
http://www.vegansociety.com/lifestyle/food/recipes/
http://www.meatlessmonday.com/