Is it ok to start again?

Is it ok to start again?

Start again from the beginning. Can I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Ok, that's enough of that, let's start again." I really hope so.
In a perfect world, I love teaching. I love it when everything is organised, everyone is enthusiastic, I am super prepared and it all smells of roses. But yeah, that's never the case. Monday mornings come round too soon, I have scratched down something resembling a 'lesson plan', and the kiddos are already doing this, doing that, doing the other; doing all the things they shouldn't be.
I started with such enthusiasm. It was all going to be great; my classes would be amazing, full of all the current teaching methods, full of exciting activities, and full of motivated students.
Oh my it did not take long for that to get thrown out of the window. Lesson plannings became such a chore, learning about all the current crazes in teaching methods seemed like a waste of time, exciting activities took way too long to plan, and hormonal kiddos stormed in.
Of course I knew middle school would be tough. I remember it well. I gave it a shot and realised that working in that environment each day really is not me at all. It's busy, hectic, non-stop, and energetic. You have to be more than organised, and ok with discipline each day. I didn't think I would have much of a problem with it until I tried it out. But it's every day. No change. It's not in my nature to be that type of person. I can't tell them the same thing 50 times without getting bored. I can't listen to their excuses, listen to their lies, and help steer them in the right direction. Some can. They have a special skill which for the life of me I just can't find.
Middle school in America is crazy. I really don't remember my school being this mad. The kids have to carry piles of books and textbooks around each day, even though they have lockers. Then, they scurry from class to class, passing by the lockers hurrying so they are not late. All they do each day is scramble from class to class, and learn material so they can take a test, and learn material so they can take a test, and learn material.... Maybe it's just me seeing it from a different perspective from when I was that age. Maybe when I was a 'tweenager' I was ok with all this running from class to class, from test to test (actually probably not from test to test, because I don't remember having as many tests as these kiddos. Times have changed!).
Then comes all the admin and extra bits. A lot of it is necessary, some of it I think is pointless and a waste of my time, and I don't have time for any of it. I'm currently working too many hours doing things which I see as useless and coming home exhausted after battling the day. Maybe a different school will be different, maybe I should try high school, or maybe I should specialise in another area. Maybe. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not enjoying working in that role, in that environment, as that kind of person. It's just not me.
So, where do I go from here? Good question. I took the whole of last week and more to mope around thinking about what to do, what to study, where to work, what I would enjoy. I need something quick fix, which doesn't take more than a year to study for, because I'm way too impatient for that. I need a job with variety, in which I see the results from each day. I need a challenge, but still something which doesn't involve me taking my job home, and taking over my own time. Lastly, I need a helping role.
Drum roll please. I wanted to become a nurse, but the courses around here are full time and I can't work a job around that. Hmpf. So my second choice is nurse assistant, which may be a possibility. Nothing concrete set yet, but just me and my ideas. Everything crossed that something works out soon, because if not I'm going to be more deflated than ever.
It's all about trail and error. Maybe I won't like it. Who knows. Some people just knew from when they weer young what they wanted to do, what they wanted to become. I changed my mind more times than I can remember and now I'm in this muddle. I wish I could go back and just decide on one thing and stick with it. Just like so many people I know. Oh well.
So, what do you think? Is it ok to start again?

Times Just Keep Changing

Times Just Keep Changing.

The past few weeks have been pretty tense for me. At the start of the summer I was on the search for a teaching position for the upcoming academic year. As we all know, looking for a job is stressful in itself, especially in this crazy economy, and probably even more so in the teaching field where the competition is pretty fierce. It will be my first position as the actual teacher in the US, as before I was working as a teacher's aide, which although is still in the teaching field, is pretty different to taking on the role as the teacher. You want find something which suits you well, where you will be happy, and have the potential to grow. Finding the right job no easy task.
As well as this, I've been driving round and around and around trying to master the techniques behind the wheel as well as grasp the Dallas road system. A skill the average American will probably take for granted, but when driving isn't in your blood from 15, it's not the easiest task to master, especially in Dallas, where the roads never end, the cars zoom, and the traffic is jam packed. Living in the US for over a year without driving (as an adult) and most of you will probably go stir crazy when you really can't leave the house alone to go anywhere because you can't drive. Add on some time when I couldn't work due to still awaiting a work permit and we may have some people losing their minds. Maybe I did a little.
No, it doesn't end there. Throw in some teaching exams which always make me nervous and the never ending paperwork required for visa applications, work permits, and who knows what else. No doubt there are millions of people with a lot worse on their plate, and I constantly remind myself of this, but these are some of my little life's stresses, and I have to deal with them.

Well, a few weeks ago I can happily say I found a job. Since then, I've just been anticipating the start date: 6th August. So next week. I really and truly can not wait. Yes, I'm nervous, but I'm also so excited to enter this new phase of my career. What's more, yesterday I passed my driving test, after some previous flaws. We drove all the way to south Fort Worth, which is about an hour's driving away, just for a 20 minute test. Yes, I was incredibly nervous; just one mistake and I could fail. Luckily, it didn't happen, and I can now drive to Walmart alone. A pretty mundane task for most of you, but it means independence for me, even freedom. 
The exams are still ongoing, as is the paperwork, but a new phase is about to be entered in my little life: a new job to which I can get to on my own in a car. It's Tim's old car by the way, and we named her Black Beauty.
Times are always changing. New tasks come along with new challenges, and new doors open with new opportunities. We may prepare and plan for months, even years to guarantee our future, but really we never know what is going to happen; anything could, and does, happen. I could never have known I would end up in the job I am about to start, the challenges I am about to face, know in which direction my future interests will flow. I can take a guess, but I don't know. We are affected by so many little factors which steer our lives, our interests and desires, that we really don't know what's to come.
That's why the here and now is so important. We may be overloaded with paperwork today, but embrace it; tomorrow we may not have a job. Today we may have a free day, so use it wisely, we may not get another one for months. That book which really doesn't seem your cup of tea just may lead you to somewhere you have never been.
Our lives are constantly filled with challenges. We thrive off them and they make us stronger. They open doors and let out lives enter new phases. Yet they are our torture. They push us a little bit more than we think we can manage, but we can do it, if we focus. We just don't know what's waiting around the corner. After joining the gym just under a year ago I didn't know that I would benefit so much from yoga. Today I still have much to learn and much to practise, but I am focused on improving little by little. The poses Crow, Half Crow and Firefly are within my grasp and I would have never believed it. Then Tabata Training came along and I never thought my body could pound out so much energy in just half an hour. Not to mention CrossFit, which is a challenge for even the toughies. New interests and opportunities some along all the time. The same goes for my career. I still have much to learn and improve, but I see direction and possibility. However, saying all this, I really do know that it all could change in the blink of an eye, and it is so important to appreciate each moment as it comes, and be prepared to adapt to the future as it comes along.
Yes, our effort has a big impact on our future; hard work and dedication pays off. You can see it at the Olympics, but then some other star athlete could come along and steal your glory. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't try, that we shouldn't fill our lives with little challenges and goals, but we should just accept what comes and what life throws at us. Embrace even the negatives, as we learn so much from them and they can only make us stronger.

U is for Ux

Ux, I found is the Latin 'legal' word for wife. Apparently. Well, soon I get to celebrate my first anniversary as an 'ux' with my husband (I don't know the Latin equivalent unfortunately..) August 7th. The day after I start my new job.. I will admit to everyone who reads this that I did not in fact remember the date, and had to check on Facebook for the actual date. I thought it was the 12th for some unknown reason. I know, an epic fail, but I think it is pretty hilarious. Anyway, nearly one year as an ux.
So what's it like being an ux? Well, that husband of yours is around a lot more. He becomes so engrained in your daily life, that he makes up part of it, so if he's gone for a couple of days, for example, (say on a 'business trip' if that's what they want to call it..otherwise known as 'boozin' with the guys') the daily routine wobbles a bit, loses its balance, and can't really stabilise until the other half returns (hopefully with gifts so we know we weren't completely forgotten amidst all that 'business'...). Then things fall back into that comforting routine of before.
The house is not just for you anymore; it's for two. All that mess you would rather leave and ignore until it suits you really should be cleaned up straight away because you don't want to be seen as
the messy one of the two. Then I'm blame free. Well, this is how it's meant to work, but obviously no one is perfect. Anyway, I just try to hide it by labeling all my 'mess' as 'organised mess' then maybe I can half get away with it and uphold my stature as 'the tidy one'. That's the plan, anyway.
Then there is all the 'boy' jobs which you can now create. Of course, the boys take on the role of bug-zapper, the fix-anything-to-do-with-the-car man, the reader of instructions, and the put-it-all-together-man. To be honest I'm fine with most of the typical 'ux' jobs, as long as the boy does all this other stuff. Stuff that I can't do and/or hate doing anyway. Very stereotypical, but it kinda fits.
So one year on, and yes, I've learned a lot about that man as a person. First off, sometimes he does things which make my head spin. Like putting the ice-cream in the fridge, or the dried pasta in the fridge, or not putting all those carefully folded (by me!.. because I'm nice) clothes away, resulting in a creased pile on the floor. Left to him, we would be living in a cup graveyard and eating cereal for dinner - every night. Our plants would wilt away and the bed would forever remain a ruffle, the veggies would rot and the milk would go sour. Everything would be forgotten... well, most things. I admit, he's pretty good at paying bills on time. :) But, I have to say, I like my role as an ux. I have a role, he has a role, and they (mostly) complement each other.
That other half, as I said before, well he's just always...there. In the evening when we are just reading, or watching a movie, at the store when he is huffing and puffing and I'm just trying to wander and browse, in the morning when he is a zombie and I am whizzing the blender. Morning afternoon, evening, weekend; just always there. To be able so spend so much time with that one person who compliments your life so well is such an astounding gift, and well worth celebrating. And maybe we will just do that on 12th, err, no, 7th. If he doesn't forget.

T is for Tomates Make Gazpacho

T is for Tomatoes Make Gazpacho.

I get pretty excited when I decide it's gazpacho time. I'm not sure if many people feel the same way as me, probably because 'cold tomato soup' doesn't sound so appealing. As a result, it gets more than its fair share of bad press. Well, Im standing up for gazpacho. Mine in particular. I'm the last person to blow my own trumpet, but I think that my gazpacho will please many taste buds. And no, the name 'cold tomato soup' gives it no credit whatsoever. 
My recipe is by no means rigid. Actually, I rarely measure any of the quantities, which will make it a little bit more difficult to share, but 'add according to taste' may be some good advice to start off with. My recipe generally revolves around what I have left over in the fridge, so if you think some other vegetable may work, then I wouldn't be too afraid of trying it out.
My most recent recipe consisted of these ingredients:

About 4 medium sized tomatoes
About 1/2 cucumber
About 1/2 bell pepper (any colour)
1-2 sticks of celery
Some onion (I use red) maybe 1/4
A carrot
Some parsley
Some basil

These are more or less in order of largest quantity to smallest, just to give you a rough idea of measurement.

Other possibilities may include green onion, garlic (I prefer it without, but it is your preference) and I don't know what else..
Chop them all up, and blend them either in a blender (with maybe 4-5 cups of water) or with one of those amazing hand blender things.


Then comes the fun part. Some olive oil, some black pepper, and some salt. Taste as you add it, so you don't add too much! I like doing this! Oh, also bread crumbs. One of the best parts! Today I ripped up two slices of bread and dumped that into the blender too. It gives it more consistency.
Another ingredient I like to add is crushed red pepper. I just sprinkle some into the mixture. It just gives it a little kick, and I think it works well with the chilled gazpacho.
And so that's the next step, chill it for a couple of hours, and serve with warm baguette bread.
Not just 'cold tomato soup'. It's a whole lot more, and whats more, you get a great serving of your veggies for the day. Even if you are not keen on tomatoes, you may like this, because obviously it's not just tomatoes. One more thing to add... for some reason I always seem to make a big mess in the kitchen when I make this! I think it's because I have a blender, and not one of those hand blenders, so I end up with some spills. Oh well, that's just now part of my gazpacho making tradition then.

S is for Something to Think About

S is for Something to Think About.

The school year has ended and summer has arrived. The end of one more era, and soon to be the beginning of a new one for all those who follow the academic year. For me it marked the end of my first position as a teachers aide in an elementary school, and yes, it was an eye opener into the educational system in America and also Texas. I would have never seen myself teaching (or even living for that matter) around here. I would never have imagined myself in my role. I see more for myself; achieving, developing, leading. But this is where I am, and it is my task to honor this and adapt myself to what is laid before me.

Sometimes this can be one of the hardest things for us to do. We look at ourselves, and we think "Why can't it be like this?" "How did everything end up like that?" "Why do they have that and I don't?" We do it every day. Me included. Being able to accept where we are and who we are is sometimes one of the hardest challenges we may face. We always want more, and we are hardly ever satisfied.  Once again, me included.

I have a job. Some don't even have that. I want more. I want a career, and one which fulfills me, makes me feel like each day I am making a positive contribution to the world. Is it wrong to want that? Is it wrong to want more, more, more? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have? Why should I be so selfish when others are struggling just as much, even more than me? What gives me the right to be more successful than them? Maybe they even worked harder than me, and so deserve success more than me. These questions roll around in my head, making me dizzy.

Slowly I'm learning how to answer these questions. I'm learning that there really is no answer. Whether or not we are content with what we have or don't have, we need to honor where we are, and accept. We ourselves should be our one and only focus. Each and every one of us is different, we all arrive at our destinations through different pathways, and it is our journey which needs to be honored, not solely reaching the destinations. So what if someone else gets there first or gets there quicker, we need to recognise the path we took and take from this all the experience we can from our ventures.

You may have a little snigger, but a great deal of this I have learned through my yoga classes. No, we don't just sit. No, we don't just meditate. We stretch, balance, build muscle, and most importantly, we focus on ourselves. We focus on what is within us. We focus on where we are now, we accept, and we look towards where we are going. I am also learning about how to honor others and who they are, without casting judgements and criticisms. I am coming to realise that through honoring each other and our differences, working with these differences rather than against them, it is possible to successfully adapt and effectively work together with ease.

The sooner we can accept who we are and where we are, the easier it will be for us to carve out the path we wish to follow, without judging ourselves against others. I still need to remind myself of this on a daily basis, and true, sometimes it is not easy, but I would like to think I am honoring my efforts and moving in a positive direction.

R is for Reading

I'm sure many other people our Reading for R. Well, now I'm another one of them. It's a popular subject for a very good reasons, whats more, very good 'good' reasons. Reading offers such satisfaction on so many levels.
I work with some children who are still learning to read, and they really are eager to learn. They have reached the stage where they realise the value of reading, that by being able to read they will have available to them a whole new world of knowledge and opportunity, and they want access to it. Some of my students follow the words as I read with them, and they 'pretend' to read along, sounding out the words to the best of their ability. It really is sweet to see. I encourage them to read as many of the words as they can, so they understand that yes, they are getting there, and they are progressing. One girl said, while I was talking to her "I still don't know how to read" (which sounds quite blunt, maybe, when written, but when it comes from a seven year old, it really did sound sweet). I hope I get to see her break the reading code, it would make me so very happy!
For me, I would be pretty happy spending a whole day reading. I'm the kind of person who has about three current books I am flicking between. I have my 'relaxing' book, generally my fiction story book, my 'learning' book, which is generally something related to my career path in some way or other, and probably another non-fiction book to hand. I have a book to suit every mood and occasion. They can slip into any part of my day. Also, I'll generally have some magazine floating around (no, not trashy fashion magazines, but quality ones which offer interesting articles which can be read during a lunch, or a quick coffee break). Reading is everywhere.
Reading offers so so much. It offers not only an immeasurable amount of knowledge, it offers a world away from reality. A private just for you escape from all those daily demands which, even though they will still be there when you finish, are forgotten during that precious reading time. During that time, your world is in the book. All that we ingest when we read shapes who we are. Our learning, our practice, molds us, stimulates our interests, our decisions, our thoughts and beliefs. Our reading directs our future choices. It affects our life.
My visits to the library often overwhelm me. The towers of books surrounding me cry out to me, they beckon me to read them. Yet it is near to impossible; our daily lives will not allow it. I would love to take time to create a reading list, but there would be so many entries the list would be a book within itself. My little mental list may have to suffice until I find another viable option.
Reading, something so personal and individual, forms a great part of my life. It reflects and creates who I am, and who I would like to be. I feel it is part of my purpose to foster the spirit and love of reading in as many people as possible.

Q is for - Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?

Q is for  - Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?

Actually, Q is all about the French language. If you don't speak French, then many of the words look like a stream of joined letters, or unpronounceable sounds, with far too many o, u, ou, ent, ant, re, en, sounds which when spoken, produce this nasal, indistinguishable sound all merging together, forming what the Frenchies call their language. Yet it is beautiful. I love love love practicing my French 'la-de-da' sounding skills, which my sound pretty fancy to a non speaker, but to a native Frenchie, will probably be hysterical. The French are very particular about their language, the vocabulary, pronunciation, the invasion of foreign words, everything. Many will probably pretend not to understand until you say it 'correctly', many will correct you straight away, and a some will probably just take pity on you, as you are not French, therefore can't pronounce those complicated but beautiful sounding words. It's a tough process to learn French. You have to be prepared to get it wrong most of the time. You have to be prepared to make mistakes which are hilarious to the French. To risk sounding stupid and saying something stupid. To risk making a grammar mistake and saying something completely different from your intentions. Many do understand the uphill struggle to learn even the most basic of language skills in French. These are the compassionate ones. They have probably learned a foreign language before and can sympathize, but a lot will have no idea of the language learning struggle.
In my opinion, French really is a beautiful language, and when you reach a stage where you can understand all those nasals, all those delicate but meaningful sounds, and comprehend them, and actually respond, with even somewhere close to the correct pronunciation, then it is like entering a secret world. Full of French beauty, and only understandable by someone who can speak the language, and therefore a gift which really is worth all that effort.