Sunday, 30 December 2012

One Year Older.

One Year Older.

The end of 2012. Gone. Finished. Only memories. Like everyone else, I look back at the good, great, bad and ugly and think about how I will remember the year. I think about the major events and happenings which will symbolise this year. The good bits as well as the not so good, the bits worth cherishing, and the bits which we really don't want to think about. 
I look back and think "wow, that was this year", or "wow I forgot about that" or "oh yeah, that happened this year..". I look back and think "I wish I could change that" or "I wish I could do that again" or "I wish I had done that..". I wish... I wish... I wish... I pack all the memories and thoughts up into my 2012 memory box to be stored away next to all the other years gone by. 

This year smacked me in the face. It was a coming of age of sorts, and an unwanted one at that. It hurt a lot. I saw it coming and I knew it was going to sting. I forced me to look back, take stock, and listen to what that little something inside of me is saying. 

I tried and failed at teaching. Some love it, some hate it. I love it when it's great and hate it when it's bad. Sadly, I knew I wasn't going to last in the teaching world if I can't take the bad. For some reason, I just felt teaching just wasn't for me. So, as this year comes to an end I'm now searching for the right career path to follow in the new year. Once again, I have to listen to that little something inside of me.

At the end of my day teaching, I used to come home and ask maggie my cat if she would save the world. She never did it, obviously. And neither did I. You neither. Nobody did. We probably donated to charity, volunteered a bit, prayed a bit, and hoped a bit. And I like to think that those little bits made a difference. But the fact is, the world is still not saved, and it never will be. And it tortures me every day. My goal of 2013 is to try and work out how on earth I can make a bit more of a positive change in the world, somehow. Who knows if I will make even any difference. Who knows if what I do manage to do will satisfy me. I don't know. But maybe I will be tortured a little less. 

Next year is a blank. To be written. Next year hopefully I will see my parents, hopefully start a new career and hopefully do something worthwhile.
I'm hoping for more love, selflessness, and compassion, and less pain, suffering and greed and hatred.

I hope I hope I hope. I really do hope.