If someone would have asked me before I became a parent, what kind of parent I would be, I'm not sure how I would have answered. A loving, kind, caring, thoughtful parent? Probably something like that. I don't think I even knew all the different parenting styles, such as helicopter parent, permissive parent, authoritative parent... and whatever else exists. Ask me now, and I know what type of parent I aspire to be, but getting there on a daily basis is an uphill battle.
I see parenting moments all the time with other families around us. I see families at the park, parents at the school, single moms, parents from different countries, homeless moms, rich moms, poor moms, busy moms, stressed moms, stressed dads. Everything.
And of course I can't help but have my own thoughts and opinions about what's going on in those moments. Before I became a parent I don't think I thought too much about these moments. I don't think I ever thought about how I would parent, how I would react in those moments, what I would do if I were in those parents' shoes. Now I think about it a lot. Making the best parenting decisions over and over again every day is next to impossible, if not impossible. Being a perfect parent is impossible.
I can't begin to count how many parenting failures I have made. So many. And at first I thought, well that's just me. I'm not good at this parenting thing. But I'm slowly slowly beginning to realise I'm going to make mistakes and I'm never going to be perfect. I just have to keep trying every day to be the best parent I can be in that moment.
I still look at other parents and think that they are much 'better' at parenting than me. I have thought things like - they have a stronger bond with their child, they know their child better than I do, they have more experience, they have a 'natural' parenting demeanor - and any of these may or may not be true, but I've finally, eventually, learned that I am doing the best I can with all the skills I have. I may have to go back and fix some things later, but it's going to be ok.
I have read parenting books, books on foster care, books on adoption, and I have listened to many many podcasts. But this doesn't make me a great parent. This makes me a parent who is interested in learning more, and willing to learn. Of course this helps me gain knowledge and understanding and helps me move in the direction of what kind of parent I strive to be (the kind which works well for me and my child), but it absolutely does not mean I will attain this in any given moment. Or even ever.
My parenting mistakes lay heavy on my heart and on my mind, and lead to constant feelings of guilt.
Guilt for shouting. Guilt for setting a boundary. Guilt for changing the rules. Guilt for using harsh words. Guilt for not controlling myself. Guilt for making my child cry. Guilt for getting frustrated. Guilt for not holding it together. Guilt for saying no.
These are just some examples; there are many more. Guilt is there when I go to sleep at night, and there again when I wake up. It's there throughout the day, in the back of my mind. Guilt that could easily turn into shame if I let it.
I spend time thinking through the damage done and how to fix things. I try to think of how I can do better next time. However, the hardest part is putting this into action. Making changes is the hardest part because we have to re-evaluate our whole selves and modify something which is often embedded within us, deeper than we are aware. Parenting is passed down through generations, and we are often dealing with histories that we cannot even put into words.
Accessing this can be a long (sometimes even painful) journey. Connecting with other parents in parenting groups or parenting classes can be intimidating and overwhelming often due to feelings of guilt and shame. Building relationships with other parents is a formidable challenge due to, well, life. We all have different personalities, schedules, needs, attitudes and opinions. Finding connection under these circumstances is tough. The lonely parent is real. The insecure parent is real. The guilt-filled parent is real. The lost parent is real. The disconnected parent is real. The despair-filled parent is real. But they are often hidden from view.
The morning was going quite well, considering I am not usually the one who is in charge of getting little one ready for camp and on his way out the door in the morning. We were gathering ourselves together to soon get out the house, and I had to once again clean up the water mess from our dog's messy drinking. I was getting frustrated.
Then, just as we are close to walking out the door, boy notices his bag is wet and his water bottle has leaked. I blame him by harshly saying his name - like it's all his fault. It's obviously an accident.
Now he's upset and mad at me.
I clean up the mess, get him a different but smaller bag. I organize and arrange everything in the bag. He starts to pull out the shoes. Why? Why? It's all done and neat! I've done it all! All he has to do is walk out the door! I'm even more frustrated, and he hates me more.
I somewhat coerce him along to the train, but he's not happy with me.
When we had sat down on the train I said I'm sorry that I blamed the water spill on him, when it was obviously an accident. He didn't really say anything, but I think he was a little less mad at me.
In that moment, I hadn't erased what had just happened, but maybe I showed him that nobody is perfect all the time, and it's important to make amends when you can.
He struggled at camp that day because he was over-tired, and I had to go and pick him up early. He felt he was becoming 'that kid' who is always getting into trouble. He could have made amends and tried harder. But, he wasn't in a good place to do that. Sometimes we just aren't in a good place to try to make things right. But our kids need to see us adults making things right, and need to know that it's the right thing to do.
Nobody is perfect and we can't always keep it all together. But if we are judged solely on our bad days then we are never going to move forward.
I have definitely felt like the lonely parent, the insecure parent, the guilt-filled parent, the lost parent, the disconnected parent and the despair-filled parent. And I am sure there are many other parents out there who have also felt the same way at some point. I really hope for a community and a society where parents can really connect with other parents and not feel judged for their actions. Truly not feel judged. Where their shame is washed away by connection, acknowledgement and acceptance. Where we reach out to others to show love and support.
But, it will take strength and vulnerability. We will need to show the unpleasant side of ourselves, and hope for empathy and understanding in return.
