Saturday, 24 November 2012

Is it ok to start again?

Is it ok to start again?

Start again from the beginning. Can I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Ok, that's enough of that, let's start again." I really hope so.
In a perfect world, I love teaching. I love it when everything is organised, everyone is enthusiastic, I am super prepared and it all smells of roses. But yeah, that's never the case. Monday mornings come round too soon, I have scratched down something resembling a 'lesson plan', and the kiddos are already doing this, doing that, doing the other; doing all the things they shouldn't be.
I started with such enthusiasm. It was all going to be great; my classes would be amazing, full of all the current teaching methods, full of exciting activities, and full of motivated students.
Oh my it did not take long for that to get thrown out of the window. Lesson plannings became such a chore, learning about all the current crazes in teaching methods seemed like a waste of time, exciting activities took way too long to plan, and hormonal kiddos stormed in.
Of course I knew middle school would be tough. I remember it well. I gave it a shot and realised that working in that environment each day really is not me at all. It's busy, hectic, non-stop, and energetic. You have to be more than organised, and ok with discipline each day. I didn't think I would have much of a problem with it until I tried it out. But it's every day. No change. It's not in my nature to be that type of person. I can't tell them the same thing 50 times without getting bored. I can't listen to their excuses, listen to their lies, and help steer them in the right direction. Some can. They have a special skill which for the life of me I just can't find.
Middle school in America is crazy. I really don't remember my school being this mad. The kids have to carry piles of books and textbooks around each day, even though they have lockers. Then, they scurry from class to class, passing by the lockers hurrying so they are not late. All they do each day is scramble from class to class, and learn material so they can take a test, and learn material so they can take a test, and learn material.... Maybe it's just me seeing it from a different perspective from when I was that age. Maybe when I was a 'tweenager' I was ok with all this running from class to class, from test to test (actually probably not from test to test, because I don't remember having as many tests as these kiddos. Times have changed!).
Then comes all the admin and extra bits. A lot of it is necessary, some of it I think is pointless and a waste of my time, and I don't have time for any of it. I'm currently working too many hours doing things which I see as useless and coming home exhausted after battling the day. Maybe a different school will be different, maybe I should try high school, or maybe I should specialise in another area. Maybe. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not enjoying working in that role, in that environment, as that kind of person. It's just not me.
So, where do I go from here? Good question. I took the whole of last week and more to mope around thinking about what to do, what to study, where to work, what I would enjoy. I need something quick fix, which doesn't take more than a year to study for, because I'm way too impatient for that. I need a job with variety, in which I see the results from each day. I need a challenge, but still something which doesn't involve me taking my job home, and taking over my own time. Lastly, I need a helping role.
Drum roll please. I wanted to become a nurse, but the courses around here are full time and I can't work a job around that. Hmpf. So my second choice is nurse assistant, which may be a possibility. Nothing concrete set yet, but just me and my ideas. Everything crossed that something works out soon, because if not I'm going to be more deflated than ever.
It's all about trail and error. Maybe I won't like it. Who knows. Some people just knew from when they weer young what they wanted to do, what they wanted to become. I changed my mind more times than I can remember and now I'm in this muddle. I wish I could go back and just decide on one thing and stick with it. Just like so many people I know. Oh well.
So, what do you think? Is it ok to start again?


  1. ALWAYS! You are very compassionate and seeing daily results as a nurse will be may be bringing your work home with this job as well...but mostly in your heart :)
    As you know, nurses and all the staff that care for me make ALL the difference!
    Will pray all works for you Steph :)
    Luv Mama M.

  2. It's fine and dandy to start over if you have that opportunity. I'm not sure if any type of nursing would have less of the things that have worn you out in school. Be sure to speak frankly with some folks who actually do that job before you jump in. My own job is not galmorous. But I like two things more than anything. I like figures, numbers, columns and precise answers. And I like have the information to answer peoples questions and help them out. So, I am an Accounting Assistant/Customer Service clerk. And it works for me.

    Go toward what things large or small you find some joy in doing and then look for ways to put them to work for you.